STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU
by Harlot of Loyola
Summary: SLASH. Starscream x ...... nope, not Skyfire. Thanks to Wheeljack's latest invention, Starscream is stuck in altmode. How's a jet supposed to cope! Warning: attempts at humour and n00b alert. Some noncanon errors
1. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER ONE:**

"Skywarp, Thundercracker and Starscream berthed with the Nemesis three astroseconds ago, Lord Megatron."

"Excellent, Soundwave. Have them intercept me in 6-B hangar for a debriefing."

Megatron rubbed his hands in anticipation. The three jets had been sent on an energon run to the Caspian Sea region two hours ago. The supplies were badly needed for repairs from the last Autobot/Decepticon clash. 

Megatron hadn't anticipated trouble. Their mission was supposed to have been a quick and easy break into a Terran natural gas facility- child's play for his Seeker lieutenants. Therefore when he arrived at B-6 hangar, the sight of smoke emitting from beneath Skywarp's ailerons and Thundercracker's shattered cockpit was disconcerting, to say the least. Hook, Swindle and several autodrones were already operating on the two Seekers, who were lying prone on emergency repair berths. Only Starscream, resting several meters away, seemed to have escaped unscathed.

Speaking of which-

"You can transform now, Starscream," said Megatron.

Silence.

"Uh, boss..." began Thundercracker. "You see, uh..."  
He faltered.

"What my blue pal is trying to say, Lord Megatron-" interjected Skywarp- "is, Starscream isn't gonna transform."

"Whaaaaaaat?! Explain!"

Megatron strode over to the med berth and grabbed Thundercracker by his battered cockpit carapace. He shook the injured Seeker, causing Thundercracker's voice to tremble through his words:

"The Autobots were waiting for us! Prime and the others- it was an ambush! We barely flew out of there in time! And, one of the Autobots- the one with the glowing head attachments–"

"Wheeljack," growled Megatron. _Wheeljack the mad Autobot inventor_. He could see where this was heading. 

Skywarp, concerned that Megatron's interrogation was about to shake Thundercracker's cockpit right off, chose to interrupt: 

"He zapped Screamer with this gun, something he called a Neurocircuit Divergence Nullifier. I'd never seen it before. Ugly fragger. When he zapped Screamer we decided to hightail it outta there. But now Screamer says he's stuck in F-15 mode- and disabled all non-alt mode function. He's basically a walking- uh, flying Earth vehicle."

Megatron turned loomed over the red and silver jet. "Is this true?"

The jet didn't answer. Instead it trembled ever so slightly like a butterfly sensing a frog poised to strike.

Megatron cocked his head. "Were his vocalizers damaged?"

"No, bo- uh, Lord Megatron. You shoulda heard him on the way here," added Skywarp. In fact, Skywarps's audio sensors were still ringing with Starscream's rants of outrage, fear, and vows for vengeance.

Megatron paused, considering.

Then, without warning he kicked Starscream square in the midsection, momentarily propelling the red jet into the air so that it flipped and landed belly-up with a painful crunch. Skywarp and Thundercracker winced. But the kick had the desired effect. Starscream yelped.

"O Great leader, it wasn't my fault! I was flying perfectly! It was those two- they didn't lay sufficient cover fire! I---"

"Enough!" Megatron hissed. He turned to Hook: "Get Soundwave working on this cretin. I want my Second-in-Command fully functional within ten astrohours!"

"What if he isn't?" ventured Swindle (who was already calculating Starscream's ratio of scrap to salvageable metal).

In response Megatron unleashed a measured blast from his fusion canon that pulverized the floor five centimeters from Starscream's left stabilizer, and stomped out of the hangar. 

"Ooooooh boy," muttered Thundercracker.

Megatron's furious departure left a silent void no Decepticons present seemed willing to fill. They remained in place for several minutes, neither moving nor speaking, until they became aware of a whirring sound originating at their feet.

Starscream had unsheathed his landing gear. Now its pathetic wheels were spinning uselessly against empty air. Without hands or legs, Starscream's jet mode couldn't right itself, though his frame yawed with the effort. To the staring Decepticons, he resembled nothing so much as an overturned cockroach. 

"Idiots," Starscream hissed, "how about some help here!?!"

**CHAPTER TWO:**

Soundwave ran test after test on the red jet but couldn't find anything wrong. After several hours of poking, prodding and scanning, he sent Starscream back to his quarters while he ran the results through his computer.

The newly-repaired Thundercracker was sent to escort him to his quarters. As Starscream rolled disconsolately along the hallway, Thundercracker couldn't help feeling a twinge of sympathy for his irritable Commander. Maintaining one's altmode for an extended period of time was physically uncomfortable. The Decepticon rank-and-file certainly didn't make the ordeal any easier. Word of Starscream's predicament traveled fast around the Nemesis. Almost as soon as they left the repairs hangar they met Frenzy and Rumble, who'd come specifically to rankle the jets.

"Hey Thundercracker, is that the new pet chicken?" Frenzy jeered.  
"Maybe we should sign him up with the US Air Force," replied Rumble.  
"Naw, I hear Laserbeak needs a girlfriend!"

The two cassettes high-fived and ran off.

"When I transform I'm going to pound those brats into LP's," Starscream grumbled.

The rest of the Decepticons weren't any better. On the best of days, Decepticons aren't renowned for their tact. But give them an inch and they'll beat you with it. Starscream was followed by a constant barrage of clucking noises, verbal insults, and bird calls all the way to his room. Starscream hadn't said much during the whole ordeal. Thundercracker noticed that his Commander was bearing the provocation remarkably well. Still, he was pretty sure that was a sigh of relief when the door swished shut behind them.

Like most Decepticon officers' quarters, Starscream's chamber held little more than a recharge berth, an access computer, a neat stack of data pads, a ration of energon cubes, basic maintenance supplies, plus a few unidentifiable odds and ends. It was a little larger than standard-issue quarters in consideration of Starscream's rank. Also, because of his rank, Starscream wasn't billeted with anyone else. Most of the other Decepticons were housed in multiple-occupant garages. Thundercracker himself bunked with Skywarp.  
After seeing his Commander safely ensconced, Thundercracker turned to walk out the door when Starscream cleared his throat.

"You need anything else, Chief?"

Starscream's reply was inaudible. Thundercracker shrugged and turned again.

"I said, I need help getting on my berth."

"Whoops," said Thundercracker. The recharge berth stood at least twenty feet above the floor, and Starscream couldn't fly in jet mode- unless he wanted to fire his engines, that is, and most likely bring the ceiling down, bigger room or not. He felt slightly stupid when he noticed this, but at the same time wrote himself a mental memo about the berths. You never knew when you too would have to cope with life stuck as a jet.

Thundercracker wrapped his blue arms around Starscream's broad fuselage. As he bent his knees, he worried whether Starscream would require aid for even the most basic tasks while he was in this state. He managed to lift the jet a few feet above the ground before dropping it. Starscream clucked in annoyance.

"Get Skywarp to help, you fool! You know we're not built for heavy transport!"

"Okay, okay. Don't melt your afterburners about it." Thundercracker radioed Skywarp, who was in Diagnostics. Thundercracker relayed this information to Starscream.

"Maybe I should call the Constructicons ?"

Starscream sighed.

"No." he said. "Just plug me into the generator then."  
He sounded small...and tired.

Thundercracker gently flipped open Starscream's refueling hatch and attached the energon cable. The generator hummed slightly as it pumped precious raw energy into Starscream's circuits. They sat in silence. Thundercracker told himself that he was simply staying in the room so he could unhook the pump when Starscream finished recharging.

However, he had to admit that he did feel a protective twinge over his recalcitrant Commander. Starscream- when not plotting to destroy Megatron, the Autobots, the Decepticons, and/ or conquer the known universe- was actually a capable officer who had a high regard for his airborne underlings. Starscream didn't care much for the other Decepticons, but he seemed to genuinely respect his Seekers- and even the Coneheads and the Aerialbots- anything with wings. It was a transformist prejudice, but there you go.

They were a pretty tight unit. Sure, Starscream never hesitated to lay the blame on them whenever things went wrong- but this was mostly when Megatron was around. Craziness was normal whenever Megatron was around. Sure, Thundercracker occasionally enjoyed seeing Starscream squirm (like that time with Skyfire in Peru) but what were a few conspiracies between friends?

Friends.  
Huh.  
When did that concept enter the equation?

His musing was interrupted by another round of throat-clearing from Starscream. Thundercracker jolted awake. He unhooked the pump and got to his feet, for the first time relishing the fact that he could stretch his knees.

"Chief...'Screamer...if you need anything else, just give me a signal on the uplink, okay? And I mean it. Anything."

"Your offer of assistance is noted, Thundercracker, but I'm not an invalid. I'm fine. Now leave me alone."

"Gotcha, Chief." Again Thundercracker motioned to leave. Again he stopped just short of the doorway.

"Did you say something?"

No answer. The room's lights darkened as Starscream implemented stasis-mode procedure. The jet's motors died down, their slight intake of air cooling to a whisper. His pilot array lights dimmed until they were nothing but tiny glowing pinpricks in the dark, like stars at dusk.

Thundercracker made sure the door was shut behind him. Then he heard it again: a muffled, raspy, sleepy voice from behind the locked door:

"Thank you." 

**CHAPTER 3**

"You're going to _trade_ me to the Autobots!?!" wailed Starscream.

Two ranks of mechs faced each other in a remote corner of the Mojave Desert. They were, of course, the Autobots and the Decepticons. Their guns were drawn. Their combat programs were primed to painstaking readiness. Their optics squinted in the afternoon sun.

Between them, a red and silver F-15 jet dug its wheels into the rocky soil. Inside the jet, a young man who had been strapped (unwillingly) into the cockpit seat perked in hushed surprise. No one, least of all Starscream, had expected that last line.

"Think of it as a…. demotion of rank," Megatron told the jet. "After all, what use to me is a transformer who cannot transform? Worse….an aircraft that cannot fly? Fortunately, these kind gentlemen-" Megatron gestured towards the Autobots-" have agreed to surrender the Neurocircuit Divergence Nullifier in exchange for the life of their pet human, Spike Witwicky."

Now he pointed to Starscream.

"I'm just throwing you in to sweeten the deal. Be grateful that your impending imprisonment prevents me from turning you into scrap metal. That is, if your new hosts don't decide to scrap you anyway."

"I'm not going! You can't leave me!" Starscream shrieked.

Megatron trained his fusion canon at the jet's nose cone. "Do as you're told," he said," or _I_ will turn you over to Swindle. And when _he_ gets through with you, there won't be enough circuits left over to construct a servo-drone."

He turned towards Optimus:" Now, Prime, give me the Nullifier, or your human is carrion."

Optimus Prime produced a pistol-like instrument from his truck cabin. He tossed it into the sand halfway between the two robotic ranks. It landed right beside Starscream. The jet flinched, still stunned and unable to comprehend.

Prime's deep voice echoed across the void between the battle ranks.

"On the count of three, Megatron. We both take what we came for. And then we leave."

"Certainly, Optimus. Have we not come here merely to parley? I have no interest in vaporizing your pathetic excuse of a race. For now. One. "

"Two-"

On the count of two both robots dashed to the center. Megatron dove towards the pistol, Prime towards Starscream. Prime jammed open the cockpit but couldn't tear the bonds still holding Spike to the seat before Megatron laughed and held the cube aloft.

"At last! The Nullifier! Decepticons, fire! Leave no Autobot alive!"

The air erupted into frenzied lasers as each rank fired their guns as one. All was commotion, smoke, dust, heat, and fire. Unable to see (thanks to his low ground height, compounded by the dust) Starscream was too disoriented to react when strong hands grabbed his tailfins. Then he felt himself rolling.

_Prime was pushing him toward the Autobot ranks._

"Aaaaaaaaaaaah!"

Starscream pulled on his brakes, flapped his ailerons, jammed his wheels- anything to stop the inexonerable taxi towards enemy lines. Suddenly, an orange truck mech stepped out of the smoke. _Ironhide_, Starscream thought dully, before a thump on his sensitive navigation block put him into deep and involuntary stasis.

Starscream came to in a darkened cell. His sensors throbbed. The altimeter on his array wobbled sickeningly, and he spewed a little lubricant on the floor. He remembered with sickening dread the events of only a few hours before, and fought the rising panic in his spark by assessing the situation.

For the past week- since the day Wheeljack had shot him with the Nullifier- Starscream had been confined to his quarters on the Nemesis. Attempts to repair his damaged circuits- or even discover the nature of the problem- were unsuccessful. Then Megatron had summoned him; they'd managed to capture the Autobots' human ally, Spike Witwicky. Spike would be traded for the Nullifier. The Nullifier would repair Starscream. It had sounded so elementary when Megatron explained it, all the while binding Spike to Starscream's cockpit.

_He'll be safe with you_, cooed Megatron_. I don't expect you to enter combat in your…condition_.

Then Megatron had betrayed him, and sold him to the Autobots.

Now he was their prisoner. He was probably lying in one of their prison cells deep within the well-fortified Ark. He couldn't transform out of his jet mode to defend himself. Worst of all, he couldn't fly. The paralyzing fear of heights that had overtaken him ever since the Nullifier shot made even low -altitude flights an ordeal. He was truly helpless.

They could do anything to him.

Things weren't necessarily hopeless. Autobots on Cybertron were generally a non-agressive race who preferred diplomacy over violence. They rarely killed, even in self-defense. They were honest laborers who'd sooner socialize over a vat of refined energon than shoot. Of course, that was back on Cybertron- before the Decepticons had taught them to hate, to fear, and to kill. Moreover, several Autobots on the Ark had personal reasons for wanting to put Starscream into painful and permanent deactivation.

He resigned himself to his fate and hoped it wouldn't take too long.

**CHAPTER FOUR**

Flashback:

After a bolt from Wheeljack's Nullifier trapped Starscream in his jet mode, Megatron had ordered his Aerial Commander confined to base until Soundwave found a cure- or until Megatron lost his patience and scrapped the jet. He theorized that by tracing the anomalous energy patterns running through Starscream's system, the Decepticons could retro-engineer a Nullifier and turn this new weapon to their advantage.

For two days, life went on as usual in the Nemesis, if a little more quietly. To Thundercracker, things seemed amiss without Starscream and Megatron's constant bickering. Maybe it was time to check up and see how old fraghead Screamer was doing.

His Commander's room was deathly quiet. Not a single dot of light emitted from the computers, from the recharge berth, or Starscream himself. Thundercracker waited an astrosecond for his night vision to click on before scanning the chamber.

"Chief?"

Starscream's pilot array lit up.

"What is it now, Thundercracker?" 

"Thought you might need more energon. It's been a couple of days and you haven't asked for a refill." Thundercracker opened the generator and emptied three cubes' worth into the tank. Then he picked up the nozzle and prepared to hook it to Starscream's fuel gauge.

"I don't need it," said Starscream . "As you can see, I haven't been doing much lately. Go away and come back when you've got something more substantial to tell me."

"No problem…. By the way, Skywarp and I were thinking of trying out some of those new maneuvers you created."

"The Tetramagon Formation? Are you kidding? I haven't even worked out the lead-ups."

"Then maybe you could, y'know, fly out and show us."

An unfamiliar note of doubt crept into Starscream's voice.

"I don't know…I still can't transform…"

"Not an issue. It's all jet-mode stuff anyhow. Just get out there and launch your tail into the blue."

"But…"

"Hey, if you can't do it, I'm sure Skywarp will figure the lead-ups on his own. The kid has a natural talent for—"

"Juice me up!" Starscream hissed.

Thundercracker congratulated himself inwardly for his fast thinking. A short flight would do his Commander good. Commander's well-being, in turn, was transmitted to all warriors under his command, and thus was advantageous to the Decepticon Cause as a whole

Yep, Thundercracker told himself, almost believing it: All for the Cause.

They'd been about a third of the way through the Formations- a move specifically designed to combat combiner teams like Devastator- when, at 30 km above sea level, Starscream's engines stalled. Thundercracker came out of a reverse loop and narrowly missed slamming into his Commander as the latter plunged seawards. Thundercracker cursed and dove after Starscream.

"Skywarp- teleport and grab him!"

"Negative. Dive trajectory erratic. I can't pinpoint his coordinates," Skywarp retorted.

"Slag! Impact with surface in 0.09--"

Starscream hit the brine like Grimlock on an IQ test, sending a spray of saltwater that momentarily blinded the Seekers' sensors.

"Ouch. 'Screamer is pizza." Skywarp whistled.

"Shut it. Can you get a reading on him now?"

"Negative. My drive isn't too accurate in sub-aquatic environments."

Thundercracker cursed Earth and its eighty-percent water surface area.

"Looks like we're going fishing."

Beyond minor impact fissures, Starscream didn't seem to be damaged when they returned to the Nemesis. On Starscream's request, Skywarp teleported the trio directly inside an offshoot of the repair bay for privacy. Thundercracker ran a thorough systems analysis while Skywarp stood on lookout. He couldn't find any sources for the malfunction that Starscream insisted had caused his engines to stall.

"…I didn't spot any feathers in your rotor blades, so as far as we know, it wasn't a bird this time," he teased. When no indignant rejoinder was forthcoming, Thundercracker truly knew something was wrong.

"Chief…Did something happen up there? Something you're not telling us?"

Thundercracker shut his comm. link and glanced at Skywarp, who was amusing himself by listening in on various navy frequencies and impersonating the senders. Thundercracker cleared his vocalyzer and tried again. "C'mon Screamer, throw me a wrench here. You know you can trust me. Right…?"

"He's afraid of heights," Thundercracker confessed to Skywarp once they were back in their shared quarters.

"You mean, the Nullifier messed his perception functions too?" Skywarp asked incredulously.

Thundercracker lowered his voice a notch. "Not so loud, lug-nuts! I think it's simpler than that. Consider it. As a jet, Starscream can't land or takeoff without a runway. He can't pick himself off the ground in case something goes wrong. He can't swim. His firing aim, vision, and mobility are all severely limited. He can't even recharge on his own. He panicked, got distracted, and stalled. He said--" Thundercracker scowled as he tried to recall Starscream's exact words—"that he suddenly felt the wind go dead under his wings."

Skywarp snorted. "Sucks to be him, then. Megatron's really going to have to scrap him this time."

"Megatron's not going to find out. As far as we're concerned, nothing out of the ordinary happened this afternoon."

Skywarp transformed and grabbed Thundercracker's nosecone "Frag, no! We have a responsibility to-- I mean, he's a grounded _jet_, for Pit's sake-TC, we can finally be rid of that slag-heap! We actually have a chance to move up in the ranks! I can't believe you're gonna pass this up!"

"He's still our Commander. We owe him that much. As long as he doesn't enter combat, we have no obligation to mention it."

"Like frag I don't!"

Thundercracker sighed inwardly. "I hate to do this, Skywarp, but you're not giving me many options. I don't think Megatron's going to be very interested in Screamer's problem when he hears who reprogrammed the Spacebridge to materialize inside Disney World last year."

Skywarp gawked. "You wouldn't--!"

"Shockwave was vacuuming depressurized human remains for _weeks_."

"You can't—"

"And don't make me have to bring up the incident with the giant squid."

"But—"

"The _squid_, Skywarp. Think of the squid."

Skywarp abruptly shut the room lights. "Fine! Keep your dirty little secrets! Why're you defending him, anyway? You wanna get into his berth or something?"

"Don't be a protoform, Skywarp."

_Honestly_. Sometimes Thundercracker suspected that his wingmate's warp drive was running interference with his processors. He didn't bother waiting for Skywarp's retort before slipping offline, where dreams of murky waves and indiscernible finned forms haunted his memory banks.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 5**

"Suck my sprockets, Autobot cog!"

Starscream's high-pitched shrieks traveled echoed throughout the Ark's narrow hallways, riling the inhabitants and stirring dispositions to dangerous levels of frag. Skyfire met Jazz stomping out of the prison cell where he'd been trying to interrogate the Decepticon commander seconds before. Upon meeting Skyfire's optics, Jazz dropped to his knees and grasped Skyfire's boots.

"You'll let us deactivate him now, right? Or sever his vocalizers? Please?"

""Not a hand on him. You know the deal," Skyfire replied calmly.

Jazz flopped unto the floor and beat his chest melodramatically. "It ain't fair! It just ain't!"

"The problem is simply that neither you nor Optimus are employing the appropriate methods of inquisition. If he's anything like the mech I used to work with, I'll be able to get through to him."

Jazz pointed to the mesh bag in Skyfire's hands. "So you're gonna bribe Starscream with candy?"

"Appropriate methods, Jazz." He flipped open the intercom on the wall. "Skyfire reporting for duty, sir."

A nondescript panel whooshed open. Optimus emerged, wearily clutching his antennae. "Thank Primus. He's all yours."

The cell, built to average Autobot specs, was cramped but now brightly-lit. Skyfire could just squeeze his bulk through the door though his head scraped the ceiling and his back flares jutted out into the hallway. Pushed against one wall, the red-tipped jet swiveled on its wheels. They'd removed Starscream's shoulder cannon and assorted light armory, but they hadn't reckoned with his voice, which now struck Skyfire like broken glass.

"So it's you. The traitor."

"Nice to see you too, old friend," Skyfire said noncommittally.

"Deserter! Deceiver!" The words scathed. Nevertheless when Skyfire opened the mesh bag and withdrew a black disk about the size of a hubcap, Starscream fell silent. Skyfire had been counting on the fact that the jet, after hours of violent belligerence, would be hungry. He was right. The disc was a booster battery, carefully rationed for emergencies, which could provide brief but powerful jolts of energy. Skyfire sensed his old friend's attention zero in on the battery like a laser scope.

"I despise your tainted leavings, Autobot turncoat!"

Skyfire withdrew the battery. "Well, if that's how you feel…"

"—Gimmeeeee!" the jet screeched.

Skyfire obligingly clipped the battery to Starscream's wing. The latter moaned softly as power surged into his depleted circuits. Skyfire could almost hear the Ark breath a collective sigh of relief. For several minutes, no words passed between them.

Gorging himself on the battery, Starscream was almost…gentle. On Cybertron they'd had countless moments of shared contemplation like this one, and if Skyfire relaxed his mind he could almost imagine that the war and the disastrous Earth expedition had never happened. Any astro second now, he and Starscream would takeoff to conduct a new experiment on a neighborhood moon or explore a hidden asteroid belt.

Starscream interrupted his reverie by then nudging Skyfire's boot. "Join me, Skyfire! United, we can conquer the Decepticons and the Autobots. Earth won't stand a chance! We'll suck it dry and claim Cybertron for ourselves! I'm still hungry, by the way. This battery's tapped out."

Skyfire dangled a second battery in front of Starscream's nose. "First, you know what the Autobots want: information on Megatron's projected targets."

"Oh right, like I'm supposed to betray our entire war strategy for a piece of scrap—"

"Take it or leave it."

"I can't! You think Megatron's stupid enough to leave me with you without implanting me with auto-destruct chips? If you try accessing classified data-or if I give it to the wrong people- they'll detonate my core, probably taking half of your pathetic ship along with it. Scan my processors to see if I'm lying! Nothing would make me happier….except," he added in a bitter voice, "giving Megatron what he deserves."

"Megatron doesn't deserve you. Moreover, Starscream, he obviously doesn't want you. You're nothing but a liability in your current form and stuck in the middle of a cesspool. As usual."

That came out harsher than he expected. Even more unexpected was Starscream's silence. Skyfire scolded himself for losing control of his emotions, however briefly. By way of apology he replaced the depleted battery on Starscream's wing. "I didn't here to dole out lectures, merely to inform you that Wheeljack and I have developed a way to reverse the Nullifier's effects. I made a deal with Optimus to let us repair you and send you back to….wherever. In exchange, I've sworn to become a full-fledged member of the Autobot combat division. When you and I meet again, it will be as fellow warriors."

The jet sniffed. "Why in the Pit would you do that?"

"Because…" Skyfire struggled to grasp the ineffable answer from deep within his core. "Because, despite everything, we're friends. Because I respect you… admire you--"

Starscream allowed himself a smug chuckle as Skyfire peeled a third battery.

"You never could refuse me anything," Starscream gloated. "This futile persistence in clinging to some ill-defined concept of friendship is your weakness… and ultimate downfall. Believe me; I'm actually doing you a favor. A warrior's life is far more exciting. My only regret is that I'll have to destroy you soon enough, but never fear. I'll grant you an honorable death. I shall shroud your corpse in eternal glory and sing your funeral dirge with energon tears and --hey, you gonna eat that?"

**CHAPTER 6**

"Okay, so once Skyfire and I got our cajungas together, we figured out how the Nullifier disrupted your transformation process," explained Wheeljack as he walked Starscream to the main operating chamber within the Ark. "And your input didn't hurt, either."

"Thanks," said Starscream.

Wheeljack missed the obvious sarcasm.

"Skyfire told me that you used to be a scientist back on Cybertron. You still doin' any research with your Decepti-buddies?"

"Autobot, if I was, what makes you think I'd tell you?"

Wheeljack halted and turned to Starscream with what Starscream guessed was a thoughtful look.

"That's what really bites about this whole war," said Wheeljack. "Once upon an astro-age it didn't matter what faction you belonged to; science was science. One mech builds on another's findings. On the shoulders of giants, and so forth. Now, with this war…"

Wheeljack pounded his fist into the wall.

"…There's no exchange of ideas, for fear that one side's findings is going to give the other a tactical advantage. We're so busy trying to kill each other that we've no time for knowledge. We've taken our optics off the stars and trained them down the barrel of a laser cannon."

They reached the repair bay.

Inside, Skyfire waved at them and gestured to the repair berth that had already been hooked up with various sensors and prods. A small group of Autobots, including Optimus Prime, had gathered around it to form a security cordon and also to gawk at the novelty of having a Decepticon in their midst (who wasn't trying to kill them).

Starscream recognized their names- Prowl, Sunstreaker, Ratchet, Tracks, Bumblebee, the pet human Spike, and Jazz, etc.- but beyond the tech information (how they were armored , for instance) he realized that he knew nothing of the personalities behind the names. It made him vaguely embarrassed.

Wheeljack continued explaining as Skyfire began hooking up the sensors to different points on Starscream's frame.

"The Nullifier was designed to disrupt basic Transformer processes by tricking one's main security network into defense overcompensation. Sensing an attack, your security network immediately overrides default systems and locks into the most resource-conserving state possible. That, it turns out, is your jet mode."

"I get it. It's kind of like cramping a muscle," said Spike.

"Exactly. The Nullifier forcibly 'cramped' Starscream's transformer muscle, to use a human analogy. Now all we have to do is relax that muscle- so to speak- and restart his system. Ol' Bytes-for-brains will be good as new. Or as evil as new, if you prefer."

Starscream's spark leapt. Freedom! He couldn't wait to stretch his legs.

"---'Course, the tough part will be convincing his security network to allow a full system restart. The only way we could do that is to shock it temporarily senseless with a barrage of sensory stimulation. My experiments have demonstrated that a sensory quotient of 98. 9739 or greater will overwhelm a typical Cybertronian security network for 0. 81 nanoseconds. That should be enough time to restart his system without crucial data loss."

Starscream didn't like the sound of this. "Sensory Stimulation? Barrage? You mean…"

"That's right," said Skyfire uncomfortably. "Extreme pleasure or extreme pain."

This wasn't sounding well at all.

"But how …?"

"We could cut off a dispensable appendage," volunteered Ironhide. "Like his head."

"What's the other option?" asked Starscream hastily.

Skyfire cleared his throat before replying. His voice was barely a whisper:

"Someone could interface with you, and run a copulation program."

Several Autobots tried to hide snickers.

"A copulation program!?!"

"Nah, I like the first idea better."

"Quit joking, Ironhide." Optimus this time. "The sooner we get Starscream fixed, the sooner we can all get on with our lives."

His voice was authoritative and full of confidence. Whereas Megatron's voice rumbled with thunderstorms and dread, Optimus's was a deep ocean- ancient, forceful, and pure. Starscream wondered why he'd never noticed this before.

With that wonderful voice, Prime once again addressed the room. "Autobots, you heard Skyfire. We need a volunteer to interface with Starscream."

"Gee. I've never seen a Volkswagen reach mach 2 before," murmured Wheeljack, observing the dust cloud which now occupied the space where Bumblebee and the other Autobots once stood.

Prime glanced apologetically at the jet. "Don't be offended, Starscream. They're an…inexperienced bunch."

"Don't be offended, Prime, but somehow I'm not surprised."

Optimus cleared his throat. "Skyfire-- You're his friend, so I assume you'd be more… familiar with his pleasure centers…?"

"Sorry, but I need to be fully conscious when we restart Starscream's system. There's always a slight risk it will collapse into volatile arrest once we breach his security network. "

"Wheeljack…?

"Ditto, Optimus."

Silence.

Optimus sighed.

As he lay on the berth, optics shut against the glare of the overhead lights, Starscream was aware of a faint humming in the distance. A wire protruding from Optimus Prime's main output jacks snaked around Starscream's fuselage until it connected to the jet's corresponding inputs. Occasionally Skyfire and Wheeljack would discuss the operation in muted voices.

"Get ready, guys, this is it." Skyfire's voice, Starscream recognized: terse- but was it a bit higher than normal?

"Connection in T-minus three…"

"Two…"

"One…"

"Engaged."

Skyfire's voice vanished. All was darkness. All was silence. Starscream hovered on the edge of a vast expanse of emptiness. It was vaster than outer space, but at the same time seemed infinitesimally small. He was a disembodied spark, adrift and alone.

"Starscream?"

"Prime! Where are you? I can't see anything!"

"Calm down," said Prime. "I'm coming for you."

In an instant Prime was there beside him: not his physical form, but his spark- or rather, the awareness of his spark that reached across the ether between them like compass arms.

"Don't be afraid, Starscream. I won't hurt you."

Prime's spark was brilliant and more powerful than anything Starscream had ever felt before- perhaps more powerful than Megatron's. It felt indestructible. Warm And gentle. . It felt…good.

The spark grew brighter, if that was possible. It lit up Starscream's circuits, pooling in the tiny corridors of his being. Despite himself, Starscream moaned. He wanted to curl his entire being within that spark and bask in its light forever.

"D-don't stop…" he whispered.

In response, the light intensified until it nearly blinded Starscream. But instead of heat, it emanated rays. The rays reached out towards him, prodded his openings, teased his empty places and flooded unknown psychic energies into his own deficiencies. Starscream felt his own spark being engulfed by Optimus, but the knowledge of his absorption- his total and absolute surrender- only heightened his excitement.

Primus, it was so good!

"Starscream…" -Prime's voice interrupted the waves of ecstasy- "Does Megatron sometimes hurt you?"

"Hurt me…? What do you mean?"

"There are fractures on your spark, Starscream. Some very old, and some very new. They make me…concerned."

"Oh, don't bother with them. It's spoiling the mood," Starscream giggled. He was drunk, and it had nothing to do with energon.

"Starscream, you know that you'd be welcome among the Autobots."

"Don't be ridiculous, Prime. We've been trying to kill each other for ten million years. Hatred that strong doesn't just fade away. Besides, I've sacrificed my life to the Decepticon Cause."

"To enslave sentient beings? To spread destruction and fear throughout the universe?"

"To attain Glory…Dominion….Perfection…"

"I don't think I'll ever understand," said Prime sadly. Then Prime's spark flared again, becoming a column of pure psychic force. Before long, neither mech was capable of coherent thought.

"Systems online!" Wheeljack crowed. "Skyfire- give me stats!"

"Vital signs repowering. Security bypass and system restart successful. The patient is awake, Doctor Wheeljack," grinned Skyfire. He leaned over Starscream's supine body.

"How are you feeling, gorgeous?"

"My hands…" Starscream held them up.

Starscream's gaze swept past his hands to the shining white mech above him. He didn't think- or rather, thought and action were one. He grabbed Skyfire's face with his blue hands and deliriously pressed their lips together.

If Skyfire was surprised he didn't show it.

A minute passed.

Two.

Five.

Neither mech pulled away.

They would have kissed for hours had not Starscream, drained from his full-system restart, finally collapsed into peaceful stasis ten minutes later.

Meanwhile Optimus Prime brought himself to his feet with great effort. Purposefully ignoring the lip-locked jets, he walked slowly to the door, then transformed.

"Hey Optimus- stick around, will ya? We should scan you in case there're residual impulses from the copulation program."

"Later, Wheeljack," said Optimus as he wearily drove away. He didn't mention it, but he really needed a cold shower.

**CHAPTER SEVEN**

Optimus rolled into the Ark well after midnight. He headed straight for his berth, hoping to avoid conversation and the curious stares that he knew would be swinging his way. Unfortunately, Skyfire was waiting outside Optimus's quarters. Hoping to discourage the white mech, Optimus nodded curtly and tried to push past, but the larger Autobot blocked his path.

"You smell like lemons," Skyfire said. His voice was playful, but Optimus noted an undercurrent of tension…._ and was that jealousy_?... like a wire stretched taut.

"Yes, apparently it's the scent of the day. Here, they gave me some free samples." Optimus handed Skyfire a pack of velvety neon-yellow air fresheners emblazoned with the words _Trucker Sam's Wash and Dash_.

"Is he…?"

"Starscream's gone. He left several hours ago."

"I see. Then if you'll excuse me, Skyfire-"

"I tried to convince him to stay," Skyfire whispered. His earlier joviality melted into an earnest fragility that looked out of place amongst his armor and guns. "I don't know why he keeps going back to the Decepticons. He's not the mech I knew on Cybertron. They must have some kind of hold on him. When you…interfaced with Starscream, did you find anything…. _strange_?"

It was the question Optimus had been dreading. He decided that he couldn't face Skyfire's obvious distress on depleted circuits. Optimus nudged Skyfire aside, entered his barracks and gestured the white mech to follow him. Closing the door firmly behind them, he poured two flasks of premium energon and sat down at his computer port. Skyfire slumped forlornly on the floor. He gazed at Optimus, wordlessly searching the Autobot Commander's optics. Optimus drank deeply before continuing.

"During the interface, I felt fractures on his spark. Some were old and fused over, some fresh. All quite deep. Whatever Starscream's been going through for the past four million years, it hasn't been very healthy."

"Megatron." Skyfire's normally-calm voice curdled with hatred.

"It's not for me to say. I'm sorry, Skyfire. If it's any comfort, I know that he's not completely beyond compassion. What I saw was a brilliant spark trapped within eons of resentment and fear, but still very much capable of morality-- certainly, capable of kindness. Whether any of these potentials will resurface…well, anything's possible."

"I won't give up on him, Optimus."

"I wouldn't expect you to. Just try not to get hurt."

Skyfire got to his feet. "By the way, I thought you might want these." He dropped a data crystal into Optimus's palm, where it pulsed with a faint reddish blush. "The whole plan worked perfectly. During your interface with Starscream, his entire security network went into cold shock…_including_ the Decepticon auto-destruct chips. Just before we restarted his systems, Wheeljack extracted a cubic load of information from behind Starscream's firewall. What you have in your hands," he said, grinning again," are projected Decepticon targets for the next deca-cycle, coordinates to numerous confidential energon reserves, and a three-dimensional layout of the Nemesis straight from Starscream's memory banks."

Optimus closed his fist protectively over the crystal and shook his head incredulously. "Remind me not to get on your bad side," he said softly. _Talk about counting coup_. Optimus once believed that deviousness and subterfuge were Decepticon traits, but it seemed like his troops were learning. He didn't know whether to be pleased or appalled.

Skyfire opened the door, stepped outside. He paused, and then looked Optimus squarely in the optics. Almost as if he'd read Optimus's mind, he said, "I know it was necessary, but we deceived Starscream. Dishonorably. Do you believe it was worth it?"

Optimus held his hand briefly over the spark compartment in his chest.

It ached just a little.

"Every moment, Skyfire."

When Starscream docked into the Nemesis, he was taken aback by the relative silence which greeted him. He'd been expecting Megatron's tirade, perhaps a blow or two. The again, what did it matter? For the first time in years he felt good, really good. Exultant, even. He was feeling so good that he decided to wait a while before beating Rumble and Frenzy to a pulp. _Let the little punks enjoy a few more healthy days._

He strode into the main deck feeling like he could take on Omega Supreme single-handed. He was almost too lightheaded to notice the distinct atmosphere of disarray until Skywarp intercepted him just outside the mess hall.

"Starscream! Thank Primus you're here--whoa you look great!"

"I know," Starscream said. "But you should see the Autobots I wrecked while escaping-"

"Later--We've got a situation!" Skywarp grabbed his arm and teleported them both to the repair bays. The black Seeker tried to explain between warps: "As soon as we got back from the trade-off with the Autobots, Megatron and Soundwave immediately started poking round with that Nullifier thingamabob, but it blew up right in their faces! Now--"

The repair bay's doors swooshed open.

--" we're all fragged."

Hook was bent down over a repair berth, fiddling with a gray semi-automatic laser rifle and a blue cassette deck.

Skywarp rushed to the rifle. "Megatron! Soundwave! Guess who's back!?! And it looks like he's figured a way to fix your alt-modes, too! Screamer's gonna get you guys right back to normal. Right, Starscream?"

Starscream felt delight burbling from his spark. It suffused his circuits with white hot glee, pure and stupid, until his smirk stretched from vent to vent.

"Sure I can, Skywarp. I'm just going to need some time…."

He cracked his knuckles together.

" …a _lot_ of time."

The day was just getting better and better.

_Clowns to the left of me,  
Jokers to the right, here I am,  
Stuck in the middle with you._

-----**Stealers Wheel , Stuck in the Middle With You**


End file.
